Speaking in tongues…the confusion of growing up conservative and explaining away parts of the Bible

And… it’s time for a new week. 

Phew!

This past weekend was a “spiritual renewal conference,” and it was non-stop teaching and ministry by a team from New York. It was a jam-packed weekend, and we made it to all the sessions, except hubby missed the Saturday night one due to a shift at the fire station he had scheduled a long time ago. On Saturday, the speaker had people go up who had been called to the gift of healing, basically. I immediately knew Ben was supposed to be up there, but he wasn’t going…so I nudged him. A lot. Lol he finally went up there (I found out later that I was indeed right, and he had been wrestling over accepting it lol), and as I watched him being prayed over, yielding himself to God’s will (however weird and bizarre and uncomfortable it may be), I couldn’t stop the tears. I got this sudden…vision, for lack of a better term, of God raising him up to be this ridiculously powerful leader and healer, and it was overwhelming. 

Side note: I don’t get “visions” like seers. I’m more of a feeler, and always have been, but ignored it all up until recently, because I thought it was weird and couldn’t possibly be God, even though I’ve had some of these “visions” come to pass years after… But I have more of a “feeling of a picture” is the best way I can describe it, although I have a really difficult time explaining it with words. I realized the other day that I had passed some of it off as just “dreaming about the future,” even though it was things I wouldn’t really dream or plan for myself… then I realized, the way I dream about and plan for the future is by thinking of one small detail at a time, branching out into a bigger picture, but when I get these “visions,” it’s like seeing the big picture with all the tiny little details included, but all in one instant. I mean, immediately, within a second, it’s all there. And it’s pretty intense lol. So now instead of just saying “that was weird,” I pray over it. And I still say “that was weird” sometimes. lol

Anyway, that same day, there was this instance of the speaker asking if anyone who did not have the gift of tongues wanted it…to put your hand on your throat and repeat a prayer after him, and then try it out. Ben nudged me this time, except I didn’t feel like God was telling me to go ahead with any of this, and honestly, speaking in tongues still freaks me out a little, and I’m not sure where I stand on it. I know that a few months ago, I would’ve gone out of my way to avoid even being around anyone who believed in speaking in tongues, let alone being around someone actually speaking in tongues…especially in church. So there I was, having this internal battle about whether I even believed this gibberish talking stuff was legit, and feeling pressure to have this gift (that I still wasn’t sure if I believed in), and it was again…overwhelming. But not in a good way. Then, next thing I know, the whole church erupts in tongues, and I’m like, freaking out, and then…I hear Ben. Praying. In. Tongues. Right next to me, with his hand on me. Our 4th anniversary is in a couple weeks, and I’ve never once heard him pray in tongues, or knew that he ever even did this. It was too much. I suddenly felt like I didn’t even know my husband. I felt defeated, and crazy, and out of my element. I felt inadequate, unusable by God. And I felt left behind. As if God was bringing Ben right along, raising him up, speaking to him, nurturing him, and I saw this fantastic future for him, but God must not have great plans for me if I wasn’t healing, prophesying, or even speaking in tongues, right?? The feeling of defeat and doubt started at that point, but it was still relatively small, so I didn’t identify it at that moment. 

The other speaker came up and told me that it was ok, that not everyone just all of a sudden speaks in tongues, right away. That it’s ok to not be ready, and that God will show me when it’s time. Furthermore, it doesn’t make someone more spiritual to speak in tongues, that he wasn’t “better” than I am because he prays in tongues. Lol but when he first came up to me, I thought he was going to rebuke me or something, or lay hands on me and try to get me to go for it. I didn’t even want to try at that point, I was freaking the truck out, and I just wanted too go back to singing hymns and praying in English lol. But I did appreciate what he said, because it calmed my spirit, and helped me refocus. He did explain that praying in tongues is just our spirit praying in tune with the Holy Spirit, and that helped me a lot, because all these verses were flying through my head about speaking in tongues without an interpreter, and I was like….this just cannot be ok. But that part does make sense, that praying in tongues would be different than say, speaking to an audience in tongues…which provides no benefit and creates chaos without an interpreter. So I thought, ok, maybe this tongues thing isn’t completely nuts, but I still sure as heck am not ready to be praying for this…

That night, Ben had his shift, so I went to the session, and it was awesome and Spirit-filled, for sure. I loved every minute of it, and they prayed for mighty healing afterwards, and I felt so bummed that Ben wasn’t there with me, because I so badly wanted to go get prayer for healing. I’ve received so much prayer over my body for healing as it relates to my losses, and interestingly enough, I have not had a loss since I first started receiving prayer from divine-healing-believing people… but I also haven’t gotten pregnant, and my cycles have been a mess. So now I start to wonder about all sorts of things, and Satan is good at deceiving me. My whole life has been full of betrayal, disappointment, and loss. I am married to the most loyal and loving man on the face of the earth, ,and yet I still half wait for him to up and leave me, or to stop loving me. Because that’s what my life has been…the people I love and trust the most leaving me, betraying me, hurting me. But now I’m getting sidetracked. 

Ok, so I was bummed about not going to get prayer that night. I could’ve gone up, sure, but I don’t like to do those things without Ben, because I just want him to be a part of all of this that’s going on in our lives. God is working on both of us, and I’m fortunate that we are in this together, but by the same token, I don’t want either of us to “miss out” on something happening with the other. Perhaps that’s something I need to work on,  but nevertheless, it kept me from asking for prayer that night. The next morning, I thought that would be the day, but Ben did not feel led to stay, so I thought, well that settles that. I had a major internal struggle going on, and I should’ve known Satan was trying to get at me, but I didn’t want to feel more uncomfortable and out of place than I already did, so I kept my mouth shut and left. Ben knew something was going on, but I insisted I was fine, and we left. I could even physically feel the attack, it was so strong. The afternoon quickly progressed into a nightmare, and I didn’t even feel like I had the strength to ask God to help me. I was mad, freaking out, discouraged, and started to believe that everything I’d experienced was a lie. God didn’t care, he hadn’t promised me these things I was clinging to, and I was just hanging onto a bunch of fairy tale ideas to make myself feel better and cope. Ben tried to comfort me, and I snapped. He tried to pray over me, and I lost it. I went off on a drive, and didn’t even want to live anymore. I mean, it was all a lie…right? 

I angrily switched from the Christian radio station to country, and yelled at God. And the station wouldn’t come in, and the others had commmercials on…GAH! I switched it off and continued to sob. I turned it back on eventually, and I still couldn’t get it to work  (this had to have been God, because Idaho has a billion country stations, so I’m bound to get music working on at least one at any given time lol), so I angrily and sarcastically switched it back to Christian radio, saying in a smart-alec tone, “OK GOD, why don’t you Fuh-REAKING SPEAK TO ME!!!!” 

And…he did

This song came on, and although I’ve heard it before, it was like…every word spoke into my deepest parts. Music has always been powerful for me, and I think God speaks to me through it, and not just like “oh that was such a good song,” but like , He REALLY speaks to me through it. Again, I usually ignored this kind of thing until recently. So here we go…these are the lyrics: 

When it’s coming apart, you had it all.

It wasn’t enough. No, it’s not enough.

They tell you it’s not worth the price, so just let it go.

But you know you can’t. You know you won’t.
It’s not easy, no.

Finding the words to say.

When you’re feeling lost, you’ll find your way.


The world is so broken and sometimes it leaves you cold.

At nighttimes you can’t feel the fire to guide you home.

The demons will harm you and try to steal what you know.

But the angels, they brought you, and they’re gonna hold you up.

They’re gonna hold you up. 

They see the fear in your eyes, heart sinks like a stone.

‘Cause when you’re afraid, it weighs on your soul.

It’s not easy, no.

Finding the words to say.

When you’re feeling lost, you’ll find your way.

The world is so broken and sometimes it leaves you cold.

At nighttimes you can’t feel the fire to guide you home.

The demons will harm you and try to steal what you know.

But the angels, they brought you, and they’re gonna hold you up.

They’re gonna hold you up.

They’re gonna hold you up.

They’re gonna hold you up.

It’s not easy, no.

Finding the words to say.

When you’re feeling lost, you’ll find your way.

The world is so broken and sometimes it leaves you cold.

At nighttimes you can’t feel the fire to guide you home.

The demons will harm you and try to steal what you know.

But the angels, they brought you, and they’re gonna hold you up.

They’re gonna hold you up.

They’re gonna hold you up.

They’re gonna hold you up.

When the timing is right, somehow you’ll know.

When nobody stands, stand on your own.

I lost it… and then I remembered something I had been thinking about lately, something new…and I prayed for angels to come and minister to me. I’ve always been so sensitive to any darkness, and I hate it. I’m sure it’s a gift, in a way, but I just hate that I can sense it.  And then, a little while ago, I was reminded that there are 2 angels for every demon, so why don’t I feel that? So I ‘ve started to pray and ask God to let me sense and even see angelic activity. 

Now, rewind a bit. Ben and I were driving around a few weeks ago, looking for a place to go shoot our bows, and we are more of a “go shoot in the desert” type of people, so we were having a hard time finding a place. We decided on a whim to drive up this hill and see if there was anywhere that we could set up, and we had no idea what we would find because we had never been down that road. When we got over the hill, we saw this property for sale, and instantly I had that thing happen where I see a big picture with all the details already set… a mini ranch. With animals-horses, cows, goats, chickens, and of course our sweet puppy. But the purpose would be to have a place that can accommodate as many foster, adopted, and natural children as God brings us, and also to have animals for kids that have difficulty connecting with humans. Animals are known to be therapeutic, and help kids connect when they are just utterly broken. They help nurture them, and kids learn that they are valuable in taking care of them, and the animals always pay such a sweet reward with unconditional love. 

But you have to understand that this is truly impossible. We’ve had some financial things happen that prevent us from pursuing such a dream. So we began to pray over it. We’ve been back a couple of times and prayed over the property, unsure if that is the particular property God has for us, or if it’s just a symbol of property that God will give us eventually. When we went back, there were horses there, even though the property had been empty the first time we saw it. So we prayed for God to include horses when he gives us property! The horses had just sat and stared at us, until we started praying over the place, and then a couple of them came over to us…they are so sweet, and it was just so calming. 

So, back to Sunday, here I was, having a royal meltdown, sobbing and asking God to send me angels. And I had the sudden desire to go see “my horses.” So I drove over there, and just lost it, and finally was able to talk to God other than yelling angrily at him. “My” white horse came over and started nudging my shoulder, and let me just pet him to death as I cried. Then embarrassingly enough, a pickup pulled up… I almost just ran to my car and left, but I figured that was probably suspicious lol, so I tried to quickly wipe my face before the stranger got out. I asked if it was his place, and he said they were his horses. I apologized, and told him normally I don’t pet other people’s animals without permission, but explained that I was having a rough day, and didn’t know where else to go. He had a kind smile and told me he comes out there to talk to them all the time. He proceeded to give me a hug and tell me their names. I was grateful for his kindness, and later I remembered that I had prayed for angels, so perhaps he is an angel, or maybe he was just the human “angel” God sent to encourage me. Either way, as embarrassed as I was to be found bawling and talking to a stranger’s horses, it was the encouragement I needed.

When I came home, I was able to talk with Ben about what had started all of this, and I traced it back to the time when I felt like I was getting left behind, and that God was raising Ben up and doing a work in him that would be great, but I was just sitting there on the sidelines, worthless. He was really quite for a minute, then said “I had the same exact thought that day.” 

Whoa.

Then we knew that Satan was busy whispering the same exact lies to us, to divide us. No longer were we working together to grow in what God was doing… and funny enough, some new friends had prayed over us regarding our miscarriages earlier that day, and he said he had a vision of us needing to be unified, and I was like…dude, you don’t know us, we are totally unified lol. But he said it looked kind of like those things in Avatar (haha!), where they intertwine and become one. Now, looking back, it makes sense. God is trying to unite us, and spiritually, we need to be on the same page before we have kids enter our home. I mean, we are on the same page, but not in a deep deep way, and obviously Satan is trying to do a work on this. So now we know, and now we can begin to pray over it. And now Ben knows that the whole tongues thing still freaks me out a little, but I’m praying on it, and when God says it’s time, I’ll trust him on it, but for now, I’ve got other things to work on. <3

On the topic of speaking in tongues, though, I did find some extremely interesting YouTube videos… one is just hilarious. And you have to be able to laugh at yourself, seriously.  But the other is actually interesting, and definitely makes me ponder the whole topic further than I’ve ever dared think about it lol! I do know there is biblical backing for some form of tongues, I just haven’t figured it all out yet, because I’m having to unlearn what I was taught about some gifts not being for “nowadays.” ? I also know there was power in hearing Ben pray in tongues, because he is the least fake person I know… and my biggest hurdle in this is probably the fact that so many people I’ve come across in the past totally just shout made-up “tongues” gibberish to be cool and fit in. And fake is my biggest turn-off, especially if you’re faking anything related to faith. So God probably moved Ben in that so that I would realize it could indeed be spirit-led. <3

Anyway, for your amusement and then for thought provoking: 

https://youtu.be/NZbQBajYnEc

And there you have it…my soul, weaknesses, fears, and thoughts, laid out all bare in their embarrassment for ya. But I hope if there’s anyone who has similar struggles, that it can encourage you. And if you feel crazy, or lost, well, I hope you feel a lot better about yourself after reading this. HAHA! And if you’re doing pretty good, then I hope you add me to your prayer list, because I certainly need it. <3